I’m enjoying writing a couple of main characters that are rather disgusting villains for once. I have Gwendoline Joshua: who is tough, mean, incredibly vain, and just a lot criminally insane; and Marus Gaunt: naturist, either a vampire or ghoul (haven’t decided which yet, but I’m writing a bit where he doesn’t die), and his love for his only friend doesn’t stop his roguish instinct to steal from her.
Below is everything that I have written down thus far. Some of it is plucked directly from a random story generator, but an you spot which section that is? Oh yes, don’t read if mentions of casual murder or sex may disturb you.
Gwendoline awoke with the fire in her belly that could only be doused by a good adventure. She kicked Marus awake, and told him that it was time to hit the road.
The rogue was not surprised at being kicked, it was common behaviour from his oldest and indeed only friend. He got up, swept his wild red locks into order, and asked where they might be heading.
“Perhaps some clothes first,” the woman said, smiling at him with just a hint of malice. They often shared a bed, when there was one to be had, and it typically involved a degree of intimate nudity.
He shrugged. “I’ve never liked this insistence that one must cover that one has a penis.”
“I would if I were you, it’s fucking small!” She zipped herself into a leather catsuit, and artfully plaited her long mahogany curls.
It took Marus longer and less pleasure to put on dragonhide leggings and tunic, wolfskin boots, and snakeskin gloves and cloak. “So, where to?” He asked.
There was a fire in him as well, but it was not in his belly or from a desire for adventures. The fire that burned in his heart was caused by desire for Gwendoline. It enabled him to overlook all of her frequent unpleasant behaviour and see only a tall, slender beauty with eyes like glittering sapphires, and courageous spirit. It was not a description that anyone else whom had known her for more than five minutes would have recognised.
“We could start by going downstairs,” she suggested sarcastically.
Gwendoline and Marus owned The Hiccuping Hippogryph, the only inn for weary adventurers in the town of Cheslla. This singularity was not because the place was small, there had been more than a dozen such establishments before they had bought this previously dilapidated building.
Over the years, a number of “accidents” had led them to buy up and incorporate the other buildings. And so the inn dramatically changed from bright and chintzy to dark and covered in mycelium merely by opening a different door.
Anyway, Gwendoline hustled downstairs as quickly as one can while wearing skintight clothing, and was soon berating the hobbit chef whom had come with the former Prancing Pony and whom she had yet to summon the enthusiasm to turn into stew.
It all started when our overrated adventurer, Gwendoline Joshua, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally relieved, Gwendoline Joshua deflowered a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, she realized that her beloved potion was missing! Immediately she called her fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Marus Gaunt. Gwendoline Joshua had known Marus Gaunt for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Marus Gaunt was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little… stupid. Gwendoline Joshua called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Marus Gaunt picked up to a very glad Gwendoline Joshua. Marus Gaunt calmly assured her that most South American hissing sloths belch before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Gwendoline Joshua. Why was Marus Gaunt trying to distract Gwendoline Joshua? Because he had snuck out from Gwendoline Joshua’s with the potion only two days prior. It was a exotic little potion… how could he resist?
It didn’t take long before Gwendoline Joshua got back to the subject at hand: her potion. Marus Gaunt cringed. Relunctantly, Marus Gaunt invited her over, assuring her they’d find the potion. Gwendoline Joshua grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Marus Gaunt realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the potion and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Gwendoline Joshua took the noise-polluting import, he had take at least three minutes before Gwendoline Joshua would get there. But if she took the chaise? Then Marus Gaunt would be scarcely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Marus Gaunt was interrupted by five insensitive vesigilians that were lured by his potion. Marus Gaunt turned red; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling stunned, he aptly reached for his carrot and thoughtfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the chaise rolling up. It was Gwendoline Joshua.
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Gwendoline Joshua was out of the chaise and went earnestly jaunting toward Marus Gaunt’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Marus Gaunt was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the potion into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his time machine. Marus Gaunt was worried but at least the potion was concealed. The doorbell rang.
‘Come in,’ Marus Gaunt flamboyantly purred. With a careful push, Gwendoline Joshua opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a best-in-its-so-called-‘class’ sedan,’ she lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Marus Gaunt assured her. Gwendoline Joshua took a seat not remotely close to where Marus Gaunt had hidden the potion. Marus Gaunt yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Gwendoline Joshua was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Marus Gaunt noticed a stupid look on Gwendoline Joshua’s face. Gwendoline Joshua slowly opened her mouth to speak.
‘…What’s that smell?’
Marus Gaunt felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Gwendoline Joshua asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the potion right by his oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A clueless look started to form on Gwendoline Joshua’s face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s carrots from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh…dropped ’em by here earlier’. Gwendoline Joshua nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Marus Gaunt could react, Gwendoline Joshua skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The potion was plainly in view.
Gwendoline Joshua stared at Marus Gaunt for what what must’ve been six seconds. Happy as a frickin’ monkey, Marus Gaunt groped explosively in Gwendoline Joshua’s direction, clearly desperate. Gwendoline Joshua grabbed the potion and bolted for the door. It was locked. Marus Gaunt let out a curious chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Gwendoline Joshua,’ he rebuked. Marus Gaunt always had been a little annoying, so Gwendoline Joshua knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Marus Gaunt did something crazy, like… start chucking carrots at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she gripped her potion tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Marus Gaunt looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Gwendoline Joshua. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Gwendoline Joshua. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Marus Gaunt walked over to the window and looked down. Gwendoline Joshua was gone.
Just yonder, Gwendoline Joshua was struggling to make her way through the imaginery desert behind Marus Gaunt’s place. Gwendoline Joshua had severely hurt her scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral vesigilians suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the potion. One by one they latched on to Gwendoline Joshua. Already weakened from her injury, Gwendoline Joshua yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of vesigilians running off with her potion.
About seven hours later, Gwendoline Joshua awoke, her double chin throbbing. It was dark and Gwendoline Joshua did not know where she was. Deep in the broad imaginery desert, Gwendoline Joshua was exceedingly lost. As if it really mattered she remembered that her potion was taken by the vesigilians. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That’s when, to her horror, a shrunken vesigilian emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha vesigilian. Gwendoline Joshua opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the vesigilian sunk its teeth into Gwendoline Joshua’s ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Gwendoline Joshua’s lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Marus Gaunt was entombed by anguish over the loss of the potion. ‘MY PRECIOUS!!’ he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Gwendoline Joshua… wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the potion that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn’s reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant vesigilians, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would’ve lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. 😥
Gwendoline scoured gobbets of worg flesh off of her broadsword, and then admired her reflection in the gleaming steel. She was a little too tall and angular to be considered truly attractive, but those whom told her so ended up onhe wrong end of her impressive weapon
He gasped. “How did you get a vesigilian? They’re incredibly rare.”
Gwendoline grinned wickedly. “It’s what became of my second husband.”
He shuddered. “You didn’t!”
She shrugged, and said flippantly, “I did, it’s his own fault. He called me fat.” Two drops of vesigilian blood is all it takes to shed those unsightly extra pounds, a fact which she had been well aware of when obtaining the transmogrification potion. She had no magickal ability, unless you counted a knack for making enough gold to last several lifetimes.
Her hand moved to the fastenings on her ruffly fuchsia dress. “Do you mind if I get naked?” she purred. “It’s so unbearably hot.”
“Yes you are, I mean it it,” the priest said. He blushed furiously, the colour reaching to the blonde locks that curled around his ears.
“You’re deliciously innocent, I like it.” She neatly unfastened her clothing, and put it on top of her pack. They were in the open, with a dozen other men around, but she did not care. “Like what you see?”
“I want to lick you all over!” He blurted out, and then blushed again.
She moved closer, until she was standing with her cunt in line with his mouth. “Take off your clothes, and I will happily let you.”
He could not remove his robes fast enough. He sat on a white chair that he always carried with him. His skin was a pale gold and rippled with muscle, and his meat sword had a bit more length than the long knife that was his only weapon. “Do YOU like what you see?” He asked nervously.
“From the moment I clapped eyes on you,” she purred in his ear. “You are am intriguing and deeply erotic man.”
“You almost make me forget that I choose celibacy,” he admitted.
“Almost? We’ll soon fix that!” She climbed on top of him, and his cries soon woke the other campers.
“Sounds like Gwendoline found number thirteen,” a barbarian muttered, before continuing to snore loudly.